Suggestions regarding Beauty
Look for a partner who is as physically appealing as you are. You should do everything you can to look your best when meeting someone you are interested in.
Suggestions regarding Character
You dont need exceptional skills or abilities to find love.
People who are warm, sensitive, and considerate, who, proferably, have a good sense of humor- and who also like us- are the best candidates.
Suggestions regarding finding love
Use the power of self-fulfilling prophecies. Treat your potential parteners as if they were exactly what you want them to be-sexy, exciting, attractive.
Make a conscious effort to make yourself as attractive as possible by improving the attractive parts of yours appearance and personality.
'' To be loved, be lovable '' - Ovid, '' The art of Love ''
Others suggestions
''The person who is similar to you in appearance, intelligence, attitudes, interests, emotional maturity, as well as background, is the person whom you are most likely to live happily ever after.
Once you have found someone who is similar to you in the important dimensions, look for someone whose personality complements yours in a way you find exciting and rewarding.''
''Use both the power of the reciprocity of love as well as the power of need satisfaction.
The best strategy with a promising candidate is to be attentive, open, warm, and pleasant. But most importantly, be sensitive to your partner's needs and respect his or her right to feel, think, and do things differently - even if you are convinced that your way of expressing care is the right way.''
''Do not hold back love waiting for the perfect partner. Giving love freely and generously to the less than perfect people who happen to cross your path can assure you of receiving many coins of love from the people around you.''
''Be aware of your love screens. Think about the two people with whom you were most in love. What do, or did, they have in common ? The quality, or qualities, they have in common says more about you than about them. The commonalities point to the screens you use for choosing a romantic partner.''
''People looking for love need to assess the full picture of their psychological, as well as physical, needs and determine which needs are most important.''
''While some needs are better gratified when complementary, such as the match between a person who likes teaching and a person who likes to be taught, other needs are better satisfied when both partners share them.''
''Take time for the wonderful task of remembering- with as much detail and clarity as possible- each and every one of the people with whom you have ever been passionately in love. Make a list of their most endearing traits - physical, emotional, behavioral - the traits that made you fall in love with them. These shared traits represent your romantic image. If you have hundreds of falling in love experiences and none of the people with whom you were in love showed any similarity to each other or the people who were significant in your childhood, it may mean you are falling in love with falling-in-love more than with a particular person.''
If your past love experiences have been frustrating, and you decide that you don't like the prescription of your romantic imaage, you have 2 main options: One is to avoid people to whom you are attracted and choose instead people with whom you are comfortable, people who can be close and trusted friends, but never bring you to either the height of passion or the depth of despair. The other option, is to take responsability for your romantic choices, analyze your romantic image, and try to turn it from a script for disasteer into an opportunity for growth.''
''Most people are not aware of the effect their childhood experiences with their parents have on their love relationships. Tragically, people who were unloved or even rejected as children continue to suffer in unsatisfying love relationships as adults.
''The first step to turn couple problems into opportunities for growth is to developing awareness. It starts with an exploration of the things that made the couple fall in love with each other, the things that are most problematic for them in each other, and the connection between the two.
The second step, and the harder step for many, is expressing empathy. The third step is behavioral change.''
Advice for good love: ''Don’t love those from far away.
Take yourself one from nearby.
The way a sensible house will take local stones for its building,
stones which have suffered in the same cold and were scorched by the same sun.''
― Yehuda Amichai '' Advice for Good Love '' in Love Poems.
marți, 10 iunie 2014
Falling in Love * Why we choose the lovers we choose * by Ayala Malach Pines
This book was for me a fresh breath of air. I devorated it instantly. I would wish I have found it earlier because it is such a knowledgeble book. Yet I always asked myself why I choose the same pattern of men in my dating relationship, this book clear up some points.
Falling in love constitutes one of the most emotionally intense, exciting, exhilariting, and significant of life's experiences. Falling in love is being high above the clouds. Love is standing firmly on the ground.
I love that at the end of every chapter, you can find tips for finding your romantic love. Also, we can find why so many people are attracted to people who don't reciprocate their love and cause them pain.
How do people fall in love with each other ? Ayala said that exist some situational variables as proximity and arousal that encourage and enhance the falling in love. But that is not all. What do we attract us in first stage ? The physical appearance is an important selection criterion, mostly for men. Once a person passed successfully the stage one (physical appearance), can proceed to stage two, where other selection criteria need to be passed in order to proceed to stage three. For many men the initial attraction is very important because that makes them to listen to the women they are attracted to, and be more attentive. For many women, the listening, the attention, the support make them fall in lovee !
''To put it more bluntly, for many men, the physical attraction caused the relationship; for many women, the relationship caused the physical attraction.''
Ayala said based on many clinical researches that love is not really blind. We don't fall in love by accident or by chance. We choose not only conscious but also unconscious ours lovers.
In this book, we will read clinical researches about the differences between people who avoid love, who cling to it, who find it easily and feel secure in the relationship. Also, we're going to read about the internal romantic image, that determines those with whom we choose to fall in love and explain, why.
Another precious part brings up to surface the benefits of a relationship: is the best place for us to grow as individuals, because seeming errors can be turned into opportunities for our evolution.
Rollo May, the american psychologist reveals the distinction between romantic love (as Eros) and sex. He said ''sex is need'', whereas ''Eros is desire.'''' Eros is a mode of relationg to others; in eros, we don't seek the release of sex, but seek rather to cultivate, procreate, and form the world.''
According to Scott Peck, another american psychiatrist said that ''falling in love is not real because it is not an act of will: it is efortless.'' The clearest proof lies in the annoying observation that ''lazy and undisciplined individuals are as likely to fall in love as energetic and dedicated ones.''
For people who are not religious, falling in love can be seen such as a ''divine'' experience.
What do we tend to choose at our partners ? Similarity traits or people differents from ourselves ? ''Despite the evidence for the rewards obtained from people to whom we are different, the lion's share of the research on attraction indicates that similarity has far greater influence.''
Now is arising another question: What's the meaning of this, why some people choose people with similar traits and why others choose different partners from themselves ? This has to do with self-acceptance. Zehava Solomon (1986) discovered that ''people with high levels of self-acceptance chose parteners whom they perceived as similar to themselves, whereas people with low levels of self-acceptance chose partners whom they viewed as different from themselves.''
Wisdom pieces selected from the book:
''The lovers we choose share with us a similar level of attractiveness.''
''Similarity in attractiveness ensures greater satisfaction in a relationship - and greater succes for the relationship - than does involvement with a person of unusual beauty.''
''The most attractive thing about a rmantic partner is the fact that he or she first found them attractive.''
''Beauty is subiective.'' Some men and women can look more beautiful to some people than to others.'' Beauty doesn't guarantee succeding in a relationship or finding the best marriage.''
Beauty and character influence each other and both influence us.
Men prefere women with low waist-to hip ratio and large breasts. Why ? Men links these features to fertility and health.
''Beauty does not guarantee happiness. While attractive people can be more popular and tend to have better social skills, they are not more self-confident. Beautiful people are concerning to think that they are liked for their looks and not for who they are.''
''Not only can someone who appears attractive to us, appear very unacttractive to others but our perception can change in reaction to things that have nothing to do with appearance.''
''People we learn to love look more attractive to us than they did initially, whereas people we learn to despise can come to look ugly.''
People with traits like warmth, sensivity, sense of humour are more likely to find parteners. Mutual attraction is very important in order to have a relationship and when people are feeling good they are more open to love.
''While men emphasize physical attractiveness, women more often look for social and economic status, ambition, strong character, and intelligence in a potential mate.''
''When we perceive people as attractive - because of their appearances or personalities - we expect them to behave in ways that characterize attractive people. These expectations, in turn, encourage behaviours that make our expectations come true.''
''Our behaviour influences the people around us. If a woman treats a man like the most caring and generous man on earth, she is going to help bring out more of his generosity.''
''We need to develop a strong sense of ourselves and know who we are before we can develop true intimiate relationship.'' Self-confidence influences our ability to give and receive love.
''People without well-developed senses of identity are afraid of intimacy because they are terrified of being engulfed and losing themselves in relationships.'' ... -''When people with a low sense of identity fall
in love, their feelings are unusually intense, overwhelm them, and cause obsessive, tumultuous loves.''
Practice self-actualization, a constant effort to grow, to develop your inherent talents and capabilities.
''Like Narcissus, many people are attracted to their reflection that is other people who share the same characteristics. People choose them who are similar to them in levels of intelligence and personality. Introverts choose introverts and extroverts prefer extroverts.''
'Exemple:'' It would be very difficult for a liberal democrat to continue dating a racist fascist.. haha ''
''People who are similar to us—in attitudes, personality, physical appearance, and background - seem familiar. And as we know, the familiar is more comfortable and pleasant to us than the unfamiliar.''
''Differences can be more exciting than similarities. We are more likely to learn something new and valuable.''
''Often the pretenders begins to love truly and ends by becoming what he feigned to be.'' (Ars Amatoria)
''While women tend to be more cautious during the courtship stage, men fall in love faster and stronger. In the move from courtship to commited relationship women tend to move faster and men caution.''
''The greater the insecurity and doubts we have about ourselves, the greater our liking and appreciation for a person who likes us.''
''The less sure of them people are, the more they need love and respect, and more likely they are to be attracted to people who offer those rewards.''
''The only way to avoid abusive relationships for women who was abused as a child is to avoid people she is extremely attracted to.''
''The unconscious romantic choise is a wise one because it directs people to choose the person most appropriate to helping them master an unresolved childhood issue.
''Unconscious forces more than logical considerations dictate with whom we fall in love.''
''Is very important to us that we feel we are getting someone we deserve.''
Falling in love constitutes one of the most emotionally intense, exciting, exhilariting, and significant of life's experiences. Falling in love is being high above the clouds. Love is standing firmly on the ground.
I love that at the end of every chapter, you can find tips for finding your romantic love. Also, we can find why so many people are attracted to people who don't reciprocate their love and cause them pain.
How do people fall in love with each other ? Ayala said that exist some situational variables as proximity and arousal that encourage and enhance the falling in love. But that is not all. What do we attract us in first stage ? The physical appearance is an important selection criterion, mostly for men. Once a person passed successfully the stage one (physical appearance), can proceed to stage two, where other selection criteria need to be passed in order to proceed to stage three. For many men the initial attraction is very important because that makes them to listen to the women they are attracted to, and be more attentive. For many women, the listening, the attention, the support make them fall in lovee !
''To put it more bluntly, for many men, the physical attraction caused the relationship; for many women, the relationship caused the physical attraction.''
Ayala said based on many clinical researches that love is not really blind. We don't fall in love by accident or by chance. We choose not only conscious but also unconscious ours lovers.
In this book, we will read clinical researches about the differences between people who avoid love, who cling to it, who find it easily and feel secure in the relationship. Also, we're going to read about the internal romantic image, that determines those with whom we choose to fall in love and explain, why.
Another precious part brings up to surface the benefits of a relationship: is the best place for us to grow as individuals, because seeming errors can be turned into opportunities for our evolution.
Rollo May, the american psychologist reveals the distinction between romantic love (as Eros) and sex. He said ''sex is need'', whereas ''Eros is desire.'''' Eros is a mode of relationg to others; in eros, we don't seek the release of sex, but seek rather to cultivate, procreate, and form the world.''
According to Scott Peck, another american psychiatrist said that ''falling in love is not real because it is not an act of will: it is efortless.'' The clearest proof lies in the annoying observation that ''lazy and undisciplined individuals are as likely to fall in love as energetic and dedicated ones.''
For people who are not religious, falling in love can be seen such as a ''divine'' experience.
What do we tend to choose at our partners ? Similarity traits or people differents from ourselves ? ''Despite the evidence for the rewards obtained from people to whom we are different, the lion's share of the research on attraction indicates that similarity has far greater influence.''
Now is arising another question: What's the meaning of this, why some people choose people with similar traits and why others choose different partners from themselves ? This has to do with self-acceptance. Zehava Solomon (1986) discovered that ''people with high levels of self-acceptance chose parteners whom they perceived as similar to themselves, whereas people with low levels of self-acceptance chose partners whom they viewed as different from themselves.''
Wisdom pieces selected from the book:
''The lovers we choose share with us a similar level of attractiveness.''
''Similarity in attractiveness ensures greater satisfaction in a relationship - and greater succes for the relationship - than does involvement with a person of unusual beauty.''
''The most attractive thing about a rmantic partner is the fact that he or she first found them attractive.''
''Beauty is subiective.'' Some men and women can look more beautiful to some people than to others.'' Beauty doesn't guarantee succeding in a relationship or finding the best marriage.''
Beauty and character influence each other and both influence us.
Men prefere women with low waist-to hip ratio and large breasts. Why ? Men links these features to fertility and health.
''Beauty does not guarantee happiness. While attractive people can be more popular and tend to have better social skills, they are not more self-confident. Beautiful people are concerning to think that they are liked for their looks and not for who they are.''
''Not only can someone who appears attractive to us, appear very unacttractive to others but our perception can change in reaction to things that have nothing to do with appearance.''
''People we learn to love look more attractive to us than they did initially, whereas people we learn to despise can come to look ugly.''
People with traits like warmth, sensivity, sense of humour are more likely to find parteners. Mutual attraction is very important in order to have a relationship and when people are feeling good they are more open to love.
''While men emphasize physical attractiveness, women more often look for social and economic status, ambition, strong character, and intelligence in a potential mate.''
''When we perceive people as attractive - because of their appearances or personalities - we expect them to behave in ways that characterize attractive people. These expectations, in turn, encourage behaviours that make our expectations come true.''
''Our behaviour influences the people around us. If a woman treats a man like the most caring and generous man on earth, she is going to help bring out more of his generosity.''
''We need to develop a strong sense of ourselves and know who we are before we can develop true intimiate relationship.'' Self-confidence influences our ability to give and receive love.
''People without well-developed senses of identity are afraid of intimacy because they are terrified of being engulfed and losing themselves in relationships.'' ... -''When people with a low sense of identity fall
in love, their feelings are unusually intense, overwhelm them, and cause obsessive, tumultuous loves.''
Practice self-actualization, a constant effort to grow, to develop your inherent talents and capabilities.
''Like Narcissus, many people are attracted to their reflection that is other people who share the same characteristics. People choose them who are similar to them in levels of intelligence and personality. Introverts choose introverts and extroverts prefer extroverts.''
'Exemple:'' It would be very difficult for a liberal democrat to continue dating a racist fascist.. haha ''
''People who are similar to us—in attitudes, personality, physical appearance, and background - seem familiar. And as we know, the familiar is more comfortable and pleasant to us than the unfamiliar.''
''Differences can be more exciting than similarities. We are more likely to learn something new and valuable.''
''Often the pretenders begins to love truly and ends by becoming what he feigned to be.'' (Ars Amatoria)
''While women tend to be more cautious during the courtship stage, men fall in love faster and stronger. In the move from courtship to commited relationship women tend to move faster and men caution.''
''The greater the insecurity and doubts we have about ourselves, the greater our liking and appreciation for a person who likes us.''
''The less sure of them people are, the more they need love and respect, and more likely they are to be attracted to people who offer those rewards.''
''The only way to avoid abusive relationships for women who was abused as a child is to avoid people she is extremely attracted to.''
''The unconscious romantic choise is a wise one because it directs people to choose the person most appropriate to helping them master an unresolved childhood issue.
''Unconscious forces more than logical considerations dictate with whom we fall in love.''
''Is very important to us that we feel we are getting someone we deserve.''
marți, 3 iunie 2014
Dale Carnegie - How to win friends & Influence people
This is kind of a book everyone should read it. It has a lot of stories and examples to prove you the stated principles are working.The most important principles that I have selected from this book
1. Don`t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. People are starving for a desire to feel important.
''I'm hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.''
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
''If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other's person point of view, and see things from that person's angle, as well as from your own.'' ( Henry Ford )
''So, if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.''
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
''Actions seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together, and maybe regulating the act, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.'' (William James)
''There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.'' (William Shakespeare)
5. Smile
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in therms of the other person's interests.
'' The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.''
'' Every man I met is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.'' (Emerson)
9. Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely.
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
'' A man convinced against his will is the same opinion still.''
11. Show respect for other person's opinions. Never say, ''You're wrong.''
'' The only things I know and that is that I know nothing.'' (Socrates)
12. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
''Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking.''
''By fighting you neever get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.''
13. Begin in a friendly way.
''A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.'' (Lincoln)
14. Get the other person saying ''yes, yes'' immediately.
''He who treads softly goes far.'' (Chinese proverb)
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
''If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.'' (La Rochefoucould)
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or her.
''In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienatd majesty.'' (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
17. Try honestly to see things frm the other person's point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
''If you're satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change ? If you're not satisfied, why not experiment ?''
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Thrown down a challenge.
'' The one major fact that motivated people its work itself. If the work was exciting aand interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a great job. That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.''
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. ( If you must find fault, this is the way to bgin)
'' It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.''
23. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly (How to criticize and not be hated for it).
''This could be easily overcome by changing the word ''but'' to ''and''.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
''I have no right to say or to do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.'' (Antoine de Saint'Exupery)
27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ''Hearty'' in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
''Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit, we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunchine of praise.'' (Jess Lair)
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
''Assume a virtue, if you have it not.'' (William Shakespeare)
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
''Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.''
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
''When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.''
''The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experinces behind you.''
1. Don`t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. People are starving for a desire to feel important.
''I'm hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.''
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
''If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other's person point of view, and see things from that person's angle, as well as from your own.'' ( Henry Ford )
''So, if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.''
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
''Actions seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together, and maybe regulating the act, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.'' (William James)
''There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.'' (William Shakespeare)
5. Smile
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in therms of the other person's interests.
'' The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.''
'' Every man I met is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.'' (Emerson)
9. Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely.
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
'' A man convinced against his will is the same opinion still.''
11. Show respect for other person's opinions. Never say, ''You're wrong.''
'' The only things I know and that is that I know nothing.'' (Socrates)
12. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
''Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking.''
''By fighting you neever get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.''
13. Begin in a friendly way.
''A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.'' (Lincoln)
14. Get the other person saying ''yes, yes'' immediately.
''He who treads softly goes far.'' (Chinese proverb)
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
''If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.'' (La Rochefoucould)
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or her.
''In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienatd majesty.'' (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
17. Try honestly to see things frm the other person's point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
''If you're satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change ? If you're not satisfied, why not experiment ?''
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Thrown down a challenge.
'' The one major fact that motivated people its work itself. If the work was exciting aand interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a great job. That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.''
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. ( If you must find fault, this is the way to bgin)
'' It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.''
23. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly (How to criticize and not be hated for it).
''This could be easily overcome by changing the word ''but'' to ''and''.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
''I have no right to say or to do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.'' (Antoine de Saint'Exupery)
27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ''Hearty'' in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
''Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit, we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunchine of praise.'' (Jess Lair)
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
''Assume a virtue, if you have it not.'' (William Shakespeare)
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
''Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.''
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
''When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.''
''The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experinces behind you.''
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