Falling in Love * Why we choose the lovers we choose * by Ayala Malach Pines

This book was for me a fresh breath of air. I devorated it instantly. I would wish I have found it earlier because it is such a knowledgeble book. Yet I always asked myself why I choose the same pattern of men in my dating relationship, this book clear up some points.
Falling in love constitutes one of the most emotionally intense, exciting, exhilariting, and significant of life's experiences. Falling in love is being high above the clouds. Love is standing firmly on the ground.

I love that at the end of every chapter, you can find tips for finding your romantic love. Also, we can find why so many people are attracted to people who don't reciprocate their love and cause them pain.
How do people fall in love with each other ? Ayala said that exist some situational variables as proximity and arousal that encourage and enhance the falling in love. But that is not all. What do we attract us in first stage ? The physical appearance is an important selection criterion, mostly for men. Once a person passed successfully the stage one (physical appearance), can proceed to stage two, where other selection criteria need to be passed in order to proceed to stage three. For many men the initial attraction is very important because that makes them to listen to the women they are attracted to, and be more attentive. For many women, the listening, the attention, the support make them fall in lovee !
''To put it more bluntly, for many men, the physical attraction caused the relationship; for many women, the relationship caused the physical attraction.''

Ayala said based on many clinical researches that love is not really blind. We don't fall in love by accident or by chance. We choose not only conscious but also unconscious ours lovers.

In this book, we will read clinical researches about the differences between people who avoid love, who cling to it, who find it easily and feel secure in the relationship. Also, we're going to read about the internal romantic image, that determines those with whom we choose to fall in love and explain, why.
Another precious part brings up to surface the benefits of a relationship: is the best place for us to grow as individuals, because seeming errors can be turned into opportunities for our evolution.

Rollo May, the american psychologist reveals the distinction between romantic love (as Eros) and sex. He said ''sex is need'', whereas ''Eros is desire.'''' Eros is a mode of relationg to others; in eros, we don't seek the release of sex, but seek rather to cultivate, procreate, and form the world.''

According to Scott Peck, another american psychiatrist said that ''falling in love is not real because it is not an act of will: it is efortless.'' The clearest proof lies in the annoying observation that ''lazy and undisciplined individuals are as likely to fall in love as energetic and dedicated ones.''

For people who are not religious, falling in love can be seen such as a ''divine'' experience.
What do we tend to choose at our partners ? Similarity traits or people differents from ourselves ? ''Despite the evidence for the rewards obtained from people to whom we are different, the lion's share of the research on attraction indicates that similarity has far greater influence.''
Now is arising another question: What's the meaning of this, why some people choose people with similar traits and why others choose different partners from themselves ? This has to do with self-acceptance. Zehava Solomon (1986) discovered that ''people with high levels of self-acceptance chose parteners whom they perceived as similar to themselves, whereas people with low levels of self-acceptance chose partners whom they viewed as different from themselves.''

Wisdom pieces selected from the book:

''The lovers we choose share with us a similar level of attractiveness.''
''Similarity in attractiveness ensures greater satisfaction in a relationship - and greater succes for the relationship - than does involvement with a person of unusual beauty.''

''The most attractive thing about a rmantic partner is the fact that he or she first found them attractive.''

''Beauty is subiective.'' Some men and women can look more beautiful to some people than to others.'' Beauty doesn't guarantee succeding in a relationship or finding the best marriage.''
Beauty and character influence each other and both influence us.
Men prefere women with low waist-to hip ratio and large breasts. Why ? Men links these features to fertility and health.
''Beauty does not guarantee happiness. While attractive people can be more popular and tend to have better social skills, they are not more self-confident. Beautiful people are concerning to think that they are liked for their looks and not for who they are.''

''Not only can someone who appears attractive to us, appear very unacttractive to others but our perception can change in reaction to things that have nothing to do with appearance.''

''People we learn to love look more attractive to us than they did initially, whereas people we learn to despise can come to look ugly.''

People with traits like warmth, sensivity, sense of humour are more likely to find parteners. Mutual attraction is very important in order to have a relationship and when people are feeling good they are more open to love.

''While men emphasize physical attractiveness, women more often look for social and economic status, ambition, strong character, and intelligence in a potential mate.''

''When we perceive people as attractive - because of their appearances or personalities - we expect them to behave in ways that characterize attractive people. These expectations, in turn, encourage behaviours that make our expectations come true.''

''Our behaviour influences the people around us. If a woman treats a man like the most caring and generous man on earth, she is going to help bring out more of his generosity.''

''We need to develop a strong sense of ourselves and know who we are before we can develop true intimiate relationship.'' Self-confidence influences our ability to give and receive love.

''People without well-developed senses of identity are afraid of intimacy because they are terrified of being engulfed and losing themselves in relationships.'' ... -''When people with a low sense of identity fall
in love, their feelings are unusually intense, overwhelm them, and cause obsessive, tumultuous loves.''

Practice self-actualization, a constant effort to grow, to develop your inherent talents and capabilities.

''Like Narcissus, many people are attracted to their reflection that is  other people who share the same characteristics. People choose them who are similar to them in levels of intelligence and personality. Introverts choose introverts and extroverts prefer extroverts.''

'Exemple:'' It would be very difficult for a liberal democrat to continue dating a racist fascist.. haha ''

''People who are similar to us—in attitudes, personality, physical appearance, and background - seem familiar. And as we know, the familiar is more comfortable and pleasant to us than the unfamiliar.''


''Differences can be more exciting than similarities. We are more likely to learn something new and valuable.''

''Often the pretenders begins to love truly and ends by becoming what he feigned to be.'' (Ars Amatoria)

''While women tend to be more cautious during the courtship stage, men fall in love faster and stronger. In the move from courtship to commited relationship women tend to move faster and men caution.''

''The greater the insecurity and doubts we have about ourselves, the greater our liking and appreciation for a person who likes us.''

''The less sure of them people are, the more they need love and respect, and more likely they are to be attracted to people who offer those rewards.''

''The only way to avoid abusive relationships for women who was abused as a child is to avoid people she is extremely attracted to.''

''The unconscious romantic choise is a wise one because it directs people to choose the person most appropriate to helping them master an unresolved childhood issue.

''Unconscious forces more than logical considerations dictate with whom we fall in love.''


''Is very important to us that we feel we are getting someone we deserve.''