Think like a Man, Act like a Lady - Steve Harvey

I recognize I've started to read this book after I have broken up with my ex-lover. You know how men make fun of the women's way too complicated to be but this is similar to us, women, when it comes to understand men. They are hard to understand sometimes, why they do what they do. Steve Harvey offers to us, women, some very good insights from a man's perspective and as long as you're reading, you could figure out that he's right in the main.

What you have to pay attention from this book:

''Men are simple. They are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make.
And until he’s achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, commited to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.''

''Even more, we want to feel like we're number one. We want to be the Best somewhere. In charge. We know we're not going to be head man in every situation, but somewhere in our lives, we're going to be the one everyone answers to because it's that important to us.''

''A man's love is different-much more simple, direct, and probably a little harder to come by.''

''A man who professes you as his own is also saying in not so many words that he's claiming you-that you are his. If he introduces you as his “friend,” or by your name, have no doubt that's all you are. He doesn't think any more of you than that.''

''Once you've claimed you, and you've returned the honor, we're going to start bringing home the bacon. This is the very core of the manhood- to be the provider.''

''And if a man can't provide, the he doesn't feel like a man, so he flees to escape the horrible feelings of inadequacy, or he's going to bury those feelings in drugs and alcohol.''

''.. a man, a real one, anyway - want to feel needed. And the easiest way to help him get that high is to let him provide for you. This is only fair.''

''Once he says he cares about you, you are a prized possesion to him, he will do anything to protect that prized possesion.''

''The three things every men needs are: support, loyalty, and cookie.''
''we need to talk'' make men run for cover''

''A man always wants somethings. Always. And when it comes to women, that plan is always to find out two things: 1) if you're willing to sleep with him, and 2) If you are, how much it will cost to get you to sleep with him. He's trying to see if your ''price'' is too high, if it's affordable, if he can gets it on credit, wheter he can get it tonight. If you don't lay out any requirements, then you're free- game on. He knows he can get you to the bed with minimal effort. But if you tell him up front you have requirements - you need his time, his respect, his attention - then he knows you're expensive, that he's going to need to put in work to get the cookie.''

''If you let him know up front, he will let you know up front if it's too high a price for him to pay. And then you can move on.''

''Men cheat because they... can. Because they think they can get away with it. Because he hasn't become who and needs to be or found who he truly wants. Because what's happening at home isnt ''happening'' like it used to. And the biggest reason of all: There is always a woman out there willing to cheat with him.''

''Men are very simple, logical people; if you tell us what you like and what you don't like, we'll do anything we can to make sure we live up to your expectations, particularly if we're interested in forging a relationship with you.(But beware of telling a man everything you like when you first meet... )''


The five questions every woman should ask before she gets in too deep:

 1) What are your short-term goals ?

''You should also be figuring out if you see yourself in that short-term plan, if you know what his plan is, you can immediately assess if you want to be part of it and what role you can play in it, or if you need to remove yourself from that equation.
And if he doesn’t have a plan, he’s not going to achieve his short-term goal- or it's really not a goal, he's just talking out of his behind.''

2)What are your long-term goals ?

If he says something silly like '' I'm just trying to make it day by day '', run.
If his long-term plan is the same as his short-term plan, get out. Immediately.

3)What are your views on relationships ?

Ask him about his mother, his father. If he had a good relationships with their parents, ''then chances are he knows how to treat a woman with respect and has some kind of idea of how to profess, provide, and protect not only a woman but a potential familly, too.''
Ask him about his relationship with God. If he hasn't ''What’s going to make him even consider being loyal to you?''

4) What do you think about me ?

Listen to his answer closely. Every man will answer this question the same exact way. ''I think you're great, I think you'd make a great mom, you're fun, kind, reaally beautiful, you turn me on, you're energetic, outgoing, a hard worker, very smart. I think you're the kind of woman I could see myself with,'' all of that generic stuff we know you want to hear. Still, this isn't the answer you should be looking for. You want specifics. You want to know that he's really thought about you beyond the surface. So do follow-ups. '' Oh, you think I'm kind ? What about me makes you think I'm kind ?'' Then sit back and listen. If he can't give you a concrete exemple of how you've shown your kindness, he's not really thinking about you beyond the surface.''

5) How do you feel about me ?

''Now this is not to be confused with what do you “think” about me----''think'' and ''feel'' and two wholly different things.''
And if a man cannot tell you how he feels about you after a month of dating, it's because he doesn't feel anything for you---he just want something.''

If you’re already in a relationship with someone, these questions are still valid if you don't know the answers. You can ask them for clarification.

''Your man hasn’t asked you to marry him because of one or more of the following reasons: 1)he is still married to someone else; 2) you're really not the one he wants; or the real answer you don't want to hear, 3) you haven't requirred him to marry you or set a date.''

The Mastery of Love - Don Miguel Ruiz

This book could be considerated a guide to the art of relationship. Don Miguel Ruiz (born 1952, 27 august) is a mexican author and a master of the toltec mystery school tradition. Toltec means ''women and men of knowledge''. Though it is not a religion, it honors all the spiritual masters who have taught on the earth. It is described as a way of life, distinguished by the ready accessibility of happiness and love.

The most important parts to memorize from this book:

• ''We are masters because we have the power to create and to rule our own lives.'' .. The way we think, the way we feel and the way we behave become so routine that we no longer need to put our attention on what are we doing. It is just by reaction-action that we act a certain way.''

• '' To become masters of love, we have to practice love. The only way to reach mastery is with practice.'' The happiest moment in our lives are when we are playing just like children, when we are singing and dancing, when we are exploring and creating just for fun. ''
• ''We need to hear the opinions of others because we are domesticated and we can be manipulated by those opinions. That is why we seek recognition from other people;''
• '' Shyness is the fear of expressing yourself. You may believe you don't know how to dance or how to sing, but this is just repression of the normal human instinct to express love.''
• '' Your whole life is nothing but a dream. You live in a fantasy where everything you know about yourself is only true for you.''
• '' Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions. In the track of fear, I love you if you let me control you, if you are good to me, if you fit into the image I make for you.''
• '' To master a relationship is all about you. The first step is to become aware, to know that everyone dreams his own dream. Once you know this, you can be responsible for your half of relationship, which is you.''
• ''Almost everything in this world of illusion is a lie. That is why I ask my apprentice to follow three rules for seeing what is true. The first rule is: Don't believe me. (Believe what makes sense for you, if it makes you happy.). Rule nr2: Don't believe yourself. ( Don't believe yourself when you said you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're not intelligent enough. Don't believe you're unworthy of love.). Rule nr3: Don't believe anyone else. (By not believing whatever is untrue will dissapear like smoke in this world of illusion. Everything is what it is.)''
• '' Heaven or hell is here and now. You don't need to wait to die. If you take responsability for your own life, for your own actions, then your future is in your hands and you can live in heaven while the body is alive.''

The story of the man who didn't believe in love

He was an ordinary man just like me and you, but what made this man special was his way of thinking: He thought love doesn't exist. Of course, he had a lot of experience tryind to find love and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to find that love doesn't exist. 

Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.

This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. .. What he said is that love is just like a drug; it  make you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily doses of love ? Just like a drug, you need your everyday doses.

He used to say that most relationship between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is the provider. The provider controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn't love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict.

The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need, lives in the constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks ''What I am going to do if she, he leaves me ?'' That fear makes the drug addict very possesive. ''That's mine!''. The addict becomes jealous and demanding because of the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer doses, or not doses at all. The one who has the biggest need completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being abandoned.

The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn't exist. ''What humans calls love'' is nothing but a fear relationship based on control. ...

He used to claim that he saw many old couples that had lived together thirty year, forty, fifty years..and they were so proud to have lived together all those years. But when they talked about their relationship, what they said was: ''We survived the matrimony.'' That means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time, she gave up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love ? The treat each other like a possesion.'' She's mine.'' ''He's mine.''

... `Then one day this man was walking in a park and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love doesn't exist. He said: '' This is amazing - a woman who believe the love doesn't exist!'' Of course, he wanted to know more about her.

''Why do you say that love doesnt exist ?'' he asked. ''Well, its a long story'', she replied. '' I married when i was very young, with all the love, with all the illussions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. But soon everything changed. .. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a  certain point I discovered that I didnt love him and he didn't love me either.

'' But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do whatever I couldd to support him. Now the children are grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There's no respect, there's no kindness. I know that even If I find someone else, is going to be the same, because love doesn't exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn't exist. That si why I'm crying.''

... They were so much alike, and they became the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. One day when the man was out of the town, he had the weirdest idea. He was thinking, '' Hm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. Is not what poets say it is, it's not what religions say, because Im not responsible for her. I don't take anything from her; I don't have the need for her to take care of me; I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time together, we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't embarass me, she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she's successful. Perhaps love does exist, but is not what everyone think love is.''

He could hardly wait to go home and talk to her, to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking, she said: ''I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long ago, but I didn't want to share with you becaause I know you don't believe in love.''

They decided to become lovers and to live together, and it was amazing that things didn't change.

The man's heart was so full with all the love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put the star in her hands to prove his love to her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke in a million little pieces.

Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that love doesn't exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradis that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn't believe in love.

The moral: '' The mistake was in man's part in thinking he could give the woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and the mistake was to put his happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness. No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.''